Perspective of Guilt or Growth?
I have been few times in my life in some improvisation and theatre group. Its absolutely awesome experiences! I also find many improvisation exercises to build character and unity as well as develop social skills.
Once, however, I ended up in a confusing situation. Someone in the group got very angry with me for a friendly greeting I gave her, which included me asking her when was the last time she had been there. My aim was to start light conversation. So, I get to hear how my question was out of the line, because apparently I should have already been familiar about the life situation of a person unknown to me which was the reason she hadn’t been around for a while.
I tried to tell her I wasn't aware of her situation and that I was just trying to have friendly conversation.
After noticing us, someone else also took part in our conflict. Apparently intending to help settle the argument at first, but then ending up making the situation a matter of "us versus you" where she defended the other person by being against me.
Both wanted me to apologize. Of course, I didn't have anything against this, but my issue become the kind of apology they demanded. In addition to the usual apology, I should have confessed how I deliberately upset the person. And if I didn't admit that, I would have proven myself to be arrogant person who didn't care about other people’s feelings. In other words, my identity was been attacked. They wanted to make me the guilty one regardless what I chose to do.
To me there was a bigger issue than me apologizing or not. So naturally, I wanted to clear up this misunderstanding with them. Unfortunately, to them it only reinforced their reasoning how I was the bad guy here.
In any other situation, I would have just walked away without caring what they chose to think of me, but since we were in a group where we were supposed to work together, I didn't see things to be that simple.
To me we just had a conflict, but that's okay. Conflicts are simply something we have to deal with and then life goes on. Conflicts doesn't have to be the end of the world. Depending on our attitude, we can choose whether the circumstances we face are threats or opportunities.
There have been more times I’ve encountered similar behavior, where one side has approached the conflict from the perspective of guilt, while I myself have tried to approach the same situation from the view of growth.
When we approach situations with the lens of guilt, we are looking at events in a way that demands someone to always be the guilty one. If someone’s guilty, naturally that would mean condemnation to that person, and no one wants to be condemned.
This reveals how guilt-centered person's heart is living in a state of judgment or fear of judgment.
"…because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.."
1 John 4:18 (NIV)
If two people who solve situations in guilt-centered point of view would encounter the same conflict, they would both first want to try avoiding all conversations related to what happened. They would want to sweep the whole situation under the rug because the risk of ending up being guilty:
“…but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.."
John 3:19 (NIV)
If they feel like the conversation cannot be avoided, they get defensive, ending up approaching the conversation as an argument. Since they believe that someone is absolutely going to be guilty, this dispute will look like an attempt by both sides to prove their own innocence while simultaneously proving the other one to be the guilty one. They do this by describing same events in a way where they present themselves to be either the hero or the victim of the story, while other one is presented as the bad guy.
It's like they're bouncing a bomb with each other desperately hoping it won’t end up in their hands when bomb finally explodes.
Some people with weaker will and conscience would do the exact opposite and accept all the blame on themselves. Cases like these are depressed and live in a constant victim mindset. Same fate awaits, in addition of anger and bitterness, those who would end up losing the argument and thus becoming the guilty one.
But what if...?
Just, what if...?
…neither one have to be the guilty one?
What if all situations were approached as a growing experience?
From the perspective of growth, conflicts are approached by understanding that none of us are flawless, but we are all imperfect people in a continuous growth process.
Even nasty situations would be seen as growing and learning experiences. In which case we would no longer run away from our problems but boldly move towards them, for that would mean development and rising to a new levels for us!
In conflicts with two people, both parties would share their perspective with each other. Not by trying to prove their own innocence, but by sharing their point of view in order to help each other finding a common solution. So that we would understand better in which angle each of us came to the whole situation. Knowing and understanding leads to patience, which ultimately leads to mutual love and respect for each other:
“…For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.”
2. Peter. 1:5-7 (NIV)
Alternatively, we would also share how we understood each other's actions, same time as been mindful to the possibility that our first impression might not have been the right one. Both could confirm or correct any misunderstanding.
As a result, there’s a lot of good fruit:
Both learn to know and understand each other better.
Both also learn new perspectives that will become new tools for next hardships in life.
Also, both ensure that the same problem or conflict does not have to happen ever again.
And even more: for now on both are able to guide others facing similar conflicts.
Well, what happens when growth- and guilt-centered approaches meet?
Well, the guilt-centered person would perceive…
First: …growth-oriented person as a bully who wants to drag them to court for judgment for trying to talk things through to clear the air as a peacemaker.
Second: …growth-oriented person’s attempts of share their own intentions as explanation to prove their own innocence (which at the same time would mean the guilt-centered person to be the guilty one).
Third: …the view shared by the growth-oriented person about the guilt-centered person's actions as accusations to prove they are the guilty one and therefore to be punished.
Fear, judgment, guilt-centeredness, and running away from situations don't build anything. On the contrary, things remain in place and unchanged, continuing to decay.
Even God doesn't like these, because restoring and building good things are not only His goal but His passion. Restoring and building good things are also the very lifestyle He has called us to be part of as believers and as a church.
For us believers as children of God, a growth-oriented lifestyle means operating in His grace.
Since God's grace by nature empowers us to live according to His will, grace will shape our motives by leading us to intentionally towards growth and restoration.
Guilt-centered person’s math lacks mercy and grace. That’s why it always comes to a merciless conclusions: to judgment.
Through Jesus' work on the cross, God's grace has already removed all judgment from those who have received Jesus as their Lord and Savior. If there is no longer condemnation, there is also no longer a search for guilty ones:
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,”
Romans. 8:1 (NIV)
"Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.”
Romans. 8:33 (NIV)
Jesus paid the price on the cross not only for our sins for us to go to Heaven, but also for all the failures that are part of our growth processes:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans. 8:28 (NIV)
All failures, difficulties and conflicts lead to good fruit and development when they are applied through the grace of God and Jesus' work on the cross.
For a growth-oriented person, failures are stepping stones to success. For the guilt-centered person, they are more offenses to increase their sentence.
If, based on this Blog post, you recognize having guilt, shame, judgment, or the need to defend yourself, then take and bring those things to the table in your relationship with God the Father. Surrender to the Father with these issues by knowingly giving them to Him in prayer. Train also to apply Jesus' finished work on the cross & God’s grace to these and to all circumstances you face.
Follow the freedom!!